the peace i felt in montana sparked something inside of me. independence & adventure that traveling brings, golden hour sunlight finally boosting my serotonin levels, and lavender aromatherapy all combined to clarify some of my san franciscan struggles. i can’t quite verbalize it, but i feel like i haven’t been my full self in the city. the most tangible evidence is my lack of photos taken inside its limits.
the list in my head of more concrete reasons has confirmed that i should make a change. i’ve decided to leave san francisco by november. where to, i’m not entirely certain, but the freedom to choose while trusting God to be there regardless is quite an amazing and overwhelming combination.
i battle with the idea that i’m just running away from something. guilt tries to settle itself in, telling me that i failed and didn’t accomplish what i came here for. and it’s right, i didn’t. but when are my own expectations ever accurate or elaborate enough? i have to remind myself that i’ve accomplished and experienced infinitely more than my 21 year old self would have ever expected- just through confusing obstacles rather than a series of seamless victories.
yet strangely, i’m much more nervous to leave these friendships behind compared to how quickly i ran from blood and sisters in massachusetts. maybe because now i see how crazy i was to move to a city without knowing a soul inside, and how hard it was to finally let strangers become best friends. they encourage me to share my thoughts & burdens and love me well because of this new trust in this strange time. every single one of them has been uplifting and kind and i feel like to leave is to abandon what we’ve built.
while i work on rationalizing what i’m doing, here are reminders of moments that made me feel more, well, me.
you can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. -frederick buechner